I can’t talk. There’s nobody to talk to and if there were I don’t know what I would say. I desperately want to talk to someone who will listen; there are so many things I need to get out, to share before I explode. But still, when somebody asks, I have no words. Everything suddenly goes blank and everything I wanted, needed to say, vanish. So when I am once again alone in my home, I get sad again and all the things boil up again and I want to scream. I want somebody to hold me tight and whisper in my ear or just stroke my hair and calm me down. And then I’d talk and this person would listen without interrupting. They would listen to all the silly things, all the sick things that’s on my mind and desperately needed to come out, and they’d still like me after knowing everything.

It’s suffocating not ever getting things out in the open; also it is hard to trust a person that much that I could tell them everything. The tears are falling, heart racing and breathing fast; my hand almost shakes as I open the drawer and it get it out. I should’ve thrown it away, I know it. Maybe even the knives in the kitchen, everything, to keep myself from doing this because I really want to stop. But it’s calming, I love the feeling I get when I do it, I’m so tired of being so depressed and lonely so I can’t not do it anymore. I’ve gotten worse lately I don’t think I could ever be truly happy again. It feels so far away, that feeling of happiness.